A woman’s life is a mixture of all colors, not lined up like a rainbow. One color at a time, a mixture of two or three, sometimes all primary or secondary, at very few instances-All of it. A woman unlike all other human beings possess in itself alone the ability to facilitate harmony or chaos, and I think this is because they are the only ones who can be tough and gentle when necessary.
I thought of writing this article for the benefit of my own memory to read and remember in the future that today my life turned topsy-turvy in an evolution kind of way. And that today, I finally decided without any dire of hesitation on what I should be doing. I know I should have made this decision and not wait for my glow of happiness to fade, but as they say, there is always time for everything. Fate sometimes has its way of playing the game to its advantage. It is neither good nor bad for the person, it is just what it is. Under sad circumstance we feel that life is closing in on us and it is not true, life does what it does because it rolls and shall keep on rolling until everything disappears on earth. Today, I decided to take control of my remaining breath, and that I am tired of being afraid, of worrying and of clinging on to worldly things. Today, I will be taking a leap of faith. To rediscover my strength, to take back the hope and compassion I know I once possessed.
I asked myself if this is going to be a selfish move, it is and in fact it is the most selfish thing I would do in my entire life. This move can make or break my marriage. This can ruin the years we spent trying to patch things up, understand each other and keep the family whole. But we were never whole and I see the deafening reality when we became parents that we cannot take control of our own child. My daughter, the more I look at her the more I fear that she will grow up coward and dependent. I cannot forgive myself for letting that happen and doing nothing at all. She has to see the reality of life, the beauty and ugliness that goes with it. It is never wrong to be scared, never facing them makes it wrong. I cannot be with her all my life. She will grow up and I shall die, I still hope though that I will be able see her become a lady and make a life of her own.
There are no certainties in this life, but it is always a choice to be certain on making life meaningful. I do not have to be someone in authority to do that, if I can achieve that as a penniless mother I would be the happiest of all. All the material things I possess did not compensate on my need for success. I still have yet to find humility in me, to accept that I am still nothing and a no one despite the achievements, the people I met and the experiences I gained. My glass will always be half-full until the right time arrives, the time where I finally embrace and understand freedom.
This move may prove me wrong at some point, I do not actually know what shall happen next. The choices I have today may not make sense to some people who loves me and whom I love the most. But the true essence of relationship is not holding on to it, but letting go when the time demands us to. Dipping yourself in murky waters just because you refuse to leave a crocodile does not have to be permanent, if that situation makes you miserable you always have the option to go. Once you face a clear water and see that you are not a crocodile then you will realize that you have a better option to be in a different water.
The unknown, the unsure, the uncertainty, just like change, these are also constant. Life is still beautiful and still full of promising future-these also are constant. I think this is what they call thirty or something stage because it is something I have never experienced before.