My husband is my complete opposite. I don’t think that is a bad thing but it is always a challenge when we both have different views on things and when our plans do not go exactly together.
For years, I have been under the delirious belief that I was free, independent, fearless and spontaneous (stereotypical character of a stereotypical powerful woman) and of course I was wrong. Here is why.
For years I have been dependent under my sister’s care. Yes, I provided them house and food but my sister provided me more, things that money cannot buy. She loved me and gave me a secure home, she fed my egotistical delusions of strength and control. Just a few days ago, I looked at the photos of their 10th year as a couple I felt pain as she did not include us or invite us in the celebration, I also took that bad feeling and made it disappear right away. It’s her family and not mine, she can do as she pleases (but an invitation to food could have been better, ha! :D). I remembered I got mad because she let me go when she can handle things on her own, when I should have been glad because she always believed that I can survive with or without her. Time really has a magic neither any of us can fathom.
For years I have been a prisoner of obligation, not because I was forced but because I was scared to lose them and I fear guilt, and that makes me fashionably not fearless. For years I have been drinking and partying, going on an out-of-town trips but I have never lived outside of my own comfort places. I’ve never been to unexpected journey and I’ve never kissed a complete stranger.
My adventure only began when I became a mother. All the demons of my past, the miserable present and unknown future unfolded all at once. That was when everything became clear, I have been eluding the truth. And the truth is? I did not know what I wanted. It was scary, it was painful and then it was empty.
I lived in a house where comfort and convenience were given but I felt miserable beyond my sanity. I moved to a house where tolerance and free-hand was offered but I got burdened with financial abuse and physical exhaustion. My mind kept on analyzing what should we be doing for our family and then the answer became clear. We have to move out and start a life of our own. We can rent a small house where we are not obliged to feed and please anyone. We may not be able to build our own house yet but we have made the first step. I think I can still wait. We can live a frugal life, I don’t think I would be needing anymore than I already have. I have lost the fine woman look but I have gained more than the wisdom it took.
Our adventure has only begun and there will be so many challenges ahead. I am neither scared nor feeling invincible but I know I am brave. I have thought of us moving from places to places every 6 months or so. I should have done that when I was still single. New address, new place, new people and friends. But nah, the 3 of us on a journey will make it thrice as fun!
It is just a dream for now, it will become a reality soon. One step at a time.
We are beautiful together. 🙂
count.steps.forward 