Late at night or early dawn? At almost 3AM, I can no longer tell if I am in the middle of my sleep, sleep walking or just trying to sleep. A thought came to me. One that is disturbing and surreal. I know I have felt this before and I am feeling it now. That stupid gut feeling that he doesn’t want to be with you. Those little subconscious telling you that his being nice is a good indicator of how happy he is being home, and that home is not with you.
Oh yes, this is paranoia and I can be wrong. But why am I anxious about a baseless fear? Did he choose to run? Or did I push him away? I cannot tell. He chose to be far away when I am vulnerable to absence. Because inside I feel that we’d better be apart.
I’ve awoken from a fantasy of the ideal. Of living what’s visible for others yet are not real for me. But my soul can see what my eyes chose to ignore. That moment of truth, that moment of pain, that complex brain wiring that I can only see. That I hope to project but I fail to show nor explain. Why can’t it be that simple? Why can’t I just let it go? To hold on, to stay.
I need more than a boy, I need a firm hand. A sturdy shoulder and a reassuring hold. And it needs to be here, without fear, without hesitation.
I looked up and found not those eyes. My gaze went far and my eyes go wet. I found those eyes but they cannot meet mine. Those gentle gaze I am not meant to stare. The look of goodbye, those eyes that are meant to cry.