There is nothing sweeter than to be able to wake up and live life another day. Yet, days of everlasting anguish and fear seems to haunt me on these sweet days. Having to face the angst of unforgiving past and the inevitable death creeps like a nightmare on a sunny day.
This year, I lost and found jobs like they were just buses I needed to ride. Only that the buses knows nowhere to go and I go off more confused and more lost than I could have ever imagined. This year, I moved houses like they were garments, failing to realize that the clothes eventually gets filthy and soiled. And that I have to wash them to start over, and wear them again, to look at the mirror and appreciate for it’s worth. I cannot throw family away, I simply have to accept the fact that we are all different, all bruised and scarred- and human. I lost an uncle and I did not cry and I utterly expressed how I will not miss him at all because I have not forgiven him after all these years. I made a decision of accepting to throw the excess angst away that sadly includes people. This year, I have faced all the people I know with a blank stare like I am trying to know who they are in my life. This year, I traveled to a place that I have openly shared my dreadful opinion of only to be proven wrong. I tried all sorts of things, I baked, I cooked, I read a lot of books, watch too much movies, read too many articles, danced, tried Yoga and ate too much carbs and calories.
This year I told someone close to me how unhappy I am with my life only to be hugged at the end of it all and being told I am one hell lucky of a girl because he thinks he married the perfect girl. I sucked at a job and never even tried hard enough to pick up the pace, a job I call a blessing and I never had the focus and the will to keep up. I was too engrossed of finding the passion that everything else died out with the rest of it. This year, I felt the hardest jolt that shook my spirit and have to hold death as an unwelcome friend. For once I felt the cold whisper of the end, only to be followed with all too many unavoidable questions. What happens after I die? Is it really nothing? Is it painful? Is it sad? I even thought of the way I wanted to die. It is morbid but as I said, it is inevitable.
This year, I have hated a few friends and laughing because I know they probably felt the same. Like I super believed that we all dislike each other at some point, and we have come to terms that we have a choice to stay or to go. My past, my struggle that I have always considered my best asset is also my curse. I have not moved forward and it sucked, it still sucks. I rant over at social media like someone special who everyone cares about, probably some and I feel thankful for those who truly care. I am also inconsistent in that area there. I’ve given food to many children and maybe a few adults but I am not sure I have helped them enough to let them know that I truly care. There were times when I hand over food and I feel good because I have done my duty as a human being, or have I? There is a struggle underneath that maybe I was following the guilt and not kindness. For a moment I looked at the street children, the beggars and myself and thought hard- what makes us all different? We are all needy, and we are all hopeless. My needs and my hopes are never greater than theirs or even lesser and why do I feel obliged to even care? Then I got the answer, it was love. It was love that moves us silently. It was love that moved mountains, and makes us deal with our fears and uncertainties. It was love that gives us hope. There were many doubts, I am no naive and no innocent. I have doubts and I deal with them one moment a day.
I have seen worst of big humanitarian groups, the flaws of each organization, the pride that always gets in the way and the difference everyone has to face and learn to accept. My vulnerability has taken me back and back again to what I believed my purpose is. I have called My Redeemer and have asked for something I know I will not be given all the time. My journey to my destiny has been a roller coaster ride. It never falters to make me more dizzy and confused. This year has been tough and rough, and this year I was born again. To bake, to cook and drink coffee, to help, to dance, to write, to be the best worker, to be a good mother, a loving wife and a great friend. This year has been one helluva ride, and it’s just starting to get the best of me. I hope you had a great year. I did, with earthquake and super storm waking me up.
All the best for 2014.
Monalisa Smile ❤