I was browsing through Facebook yesterday when I bumped into a shared article about love. Since it is the month of St. Valentine, please allow me to delve into it. The article about How To Love A Human Being was shared by my mentor, I always read what she shares. Usually those articles are for herself to read and read again whenever she has alone time. The article speaks of love like it should be, that being with someone not perfect is the same as being not perfect to someone. But love changes us, makes us subtly accept the person we chose to love with six packs or without. And while I was enjoying reading the article (honestly, I was hoping to get a link for an article about Loving an ET), I found a link to the one that says “Highly Sensitive Person“.
It has been a constant struggle for me because I can sense more than what I should be. I even self-diagnosed myself for depression because I can sense upset and pain, fear and disappointment from afar. I called it paranoia and most people thinks so, too. It worries me, it drives me crazy and it gives me chest pain-literally. I lived my life in a way that if I can I would want to avoid upsetting someone and when they are I pretend not to care, it does takes its toll on me and I end up hating myself for that. I want to please people but people are so hard to please, so it makes me anxious and worry. I don’t like to upset the ones I care about but I can’t avoid it, can I? It’s even more difficult when you are running a team and driving performance or leading change. Much more when you are in the Customer Service Industry of making sure people leave a happy camper. I want to get things done, implement process to be more productive but always thinking twice and reconsider putting too much pressure that will make people mad, and it becomes counter-productive. At home, trying to naturally go on with daily life and pretending not to notice the unwelcoming glances and stares of extended family. Yes, it is nerve-wracking! It greatly helps to be married to someone who listens to my every woes. I know he feels annoyed at me, too; most of the time but he tries so hard to hear and listen. He loves me, I feel, nevertheless.
I daydream of my ideals, the things that I want to happen but we can’t always get what we want and it makes me so sad and insecure. I can feel conflicts, I see, feel and read the fine prints between someone’s eyes which makes me hate looking someone straight through because of an apparent reason. I branded myself confused, complicated and mostly irrational. Now, I understand that this is not wrong. It just has to be controlled. My husband thought of me as too emotional. I can’t blame him. Having a wife with too many mood swings and talks a lot and then suddenly stops and goes silent all day. That is all too draining.
I cried when I read about the article, and Jeez! I want to buy the book but I can’t find one here. Try again some day. It really is true what I read somewhere, ” Your being different is what makes you beautiful!” We can’t be alone in any struggle. Someone, somewhere is thinking and writing about our unique sets of characters. Knowing is only half of the journey, accepting it will set me free. How to manage it is the real challenge. I can’t drive my love ones crazy all the time.
I love myself. Uber sensitive or not.
Happy Heart’s day!