Forgive. What does it really mean? How is it really given? When does it truly set us free? I have been hearing forgiveness in almost every scripture, book, and teachings. Does forgiveness really free us from bitterness, from pain and from the shackles of the past? Is it why too many are bitter and unconsciously becoming prisoners of the so-called history these days? Forgive. Easier said than done. Forgive. A process that can take a lifetime or even more to understand.
I have been having strange dreams the past days. They were of very familiar faces and even more familiar surroundings. I dream of my past, of people I lost and I miss. I see very familiar faces of the persons I let die, I hated and I disregard. They were family, they were from my past. They remind me of my failures, of my selfishness, of my struggle for love and belonging. They remind me of the horrid stories of childhood trauma and the desire for revenge. Some of these people I love, few I wished would love me. Like that aunt who couldn’t love us like her little children, instead see us as burdens and added responsibility. Why couldn’t I forgive her for not standing up for us? For years, people have walked in and out trying to tell me to forgive and forget. No one has yet tell me how. Then I stopped browsing through my Facebook posts. Lots of people posting things they don’t even believe in. People are ironic, we are ironic.
I tried religion and that I almost got into different teachings, tried to be close to the church but nothing made sense. It even made a more confused soul out of me. To settle myself, I led me into thinking that no religion can teach me forgiveness. I pray everyday, I try to be kind, to be compassion, to be understanding. But day in and out, I still do not know how to forgive. Wounds open and close but they never heal. They never really heal.
Today, a Maundy Thursday. As I stand in front of my husband, I thought that if maybe I forgive I would not be this lost and confused. I would not cry like a baby whenever I see something that would remind me of my struggles and the hell that I have to pass through just to get out of the mess that I am into. A woman with no vision, no purpose and no meaning. Which today I am certain are not true. Looking at the husband God gave me, a wonderful man I can’t even believe will marry me. Who helped me bear a child of tremendous cute-ness and adorable smile. Isn’t that God’s way of telling me to let go of the pain and trust in Him? Because certainly my past isn’t awesome but my present and my future can and will be.
God took my mother when I can’t even understand yet death. He took my grandfather when there were no options for me to try to help him live yet a few more years. He gave me a childhood full of insecurities and lacks responsible adults. But then God took my mother because He wants me to see the importance of one, because He prepares me to be the best of it not just to my own but to the children who are not mine. The love of a mother that God wants me to carry in my heart for the rest of my life. He took away my grandfather because He wants me to learn to let go. To forgive myself for the things I have no control over. Life is precious, and He wants me remember to give it my all for those who matter and I love. He gave me crappy people around but then gave me the greatest lesson of becoming otherwise.
I don’t know where these came from. These thoughts came out of nowhere, I even am thinking- Am I depressed? 🙂
Forgive. I hope I’ll soon know how to forgive. It’s not really fun carrying these burdens, you know. It’s what I will pray from today on-wards. That I may forgive those who trespass against me as the Lord have done. Forgive. That is my Holy Week reflection.
Have a reflective Holy Week.