Flipping through the pages too fast

There is not a day that I question the legitimacy of my being. The past days, it’s lingering. When I feel like a fraud, it paralyzes my core. I struggle to say the right words because I don’t know where I stand on things. I need more time to process my thoughts I think because I was banking on the knowledge I have acquired over the years up to a certain point only, I felt nothing’s new. My mind is either blank or locked.

Who I am now is because of the expectations that people imposed on me. I grew up making myself believe that I am who I am because I chose to be. Now, with this internal crisis- I don’t know what to do.

They say, “I think therefore I am” or something like that. But why do I feel different inside. I was the biggest liar, at least to myself. I lied being happy, being strong, able to move on as quickly. I didn’t have the time to savor and process and wallow, I didn’t know what my options were. I didn’t even know if I wanted to wallow. Get over it, that was the only option.

The story of my life were about my pretentious wins. My sob story as a victory. Letting people see that I had my shit together, resilient and persevering. I hated my life. I hated being poor and powerless. Too dependent on people putting food on the table. Too scared to speak up against injustices, latching on to people that would boost my ego and pride so I may have a little sense of control.

Today, I ask- was all that real. Is it me that’s living through every DNA of my body? Or am I still pretending? I don’t want to get up from bed today. Instead I am distracting my self to a game of solitaire while I have daughters that needs for me to function. Why am I doing what I am doing? It’s rocking me to me core. For the first time in a long time, I have no idea who I am. I am guilty of being selfish for thinking about myself too much today but yes, I am selfish and I act as a good mother and a good wife because I pride myself in the thought of being unselfish. Self-serving ass.

People admired me of being ahead of my time when I was young. How did I mature too fast? I whacked it and pretended. An impostor mimicking those close to me. I called it adapting but I am conflicted. Now I am scared of people seeing right through me. The shame of being seen as a fraud. That too.

Oh God, please help. Help me be free. This mind and heart has reached the capacity of what it has accumulated and stored. I could not find answers to the predicaments pulling me down. Who am I? Right now, I am scared, confused, ashamed and guilty- the destructive vibrations of human emotions. I feel that I can’t give anything at this point. What’s next?

Published by monalisachong

Every one agrees that life is fleeting. And that life is change. It never stays the same. I am a believer of choice, of opportunities embraced and lost, I dictate what happens to me. This makes me hopeful, makes me dream, gives me courage and clears my realm. And I hope to share how change affects my life.

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